The Toilets in Melbourne Central Pancake Parlour, October 9th, 2014

This is truly the piss parlour of the Gods…

Let’s face facts here, public toilets can be one of the worst experiences known to man, yes even more so than the showerbath!

Most of the time, even in a bar or a fancy restaurant you’ve got some bizarre lifeforms growing in the corner, there’s some type of liquid all over the ground and even when there is a roll of toilet paper in the stalls you’re better off using your shirt than using what they think passes as paper. Seriously, sometimes I feel as if I am wiping my arse with gravel. Who am I? Wile E. Coyote? I do admit at times I have considered a devious plan involving riding a rocket through a painted tunnel just to relieve myself, how this would actually work I have no clue but then again neither did our old friend Wile E. Coyote. Luckily, unlike my cartoon counterpart I have finally caught up with my elusive Roadrunner, I have found the Holy Grail of public toilets.

Yes, I like George Costanza test and rate public toilets. I’ve searched long, and I have searched hard my friends.

I am  of course talking about the immaculate toilets at Pancake Parlour in Melbourne Central. These babies are a dream to use. As if we all needed another reason to go to Pancake Parlour!

Do you ever wanna piss and feel like Zeus throwing a thunder bolt down upon an all too philosophical Greece?

Do you wanna wash your hands in the tears of Jesus?

Do you wanna soar to the spirit world on the sheer force of your own piss and punch your dead relatives in the face?

Do you wanna look down from the heavens and laugh upon all creation and then take a dump in its backseat?

Yes! Of course you do! Why wouldn’t you? You are only human.

Let’s begin our guided tour, shall we?

The walk way to these beauties is just transcendent, the amazing checkered walk way is reflected in the window giving you the feeling that you really walking into heavens own personal bathroom…

                                                          Anyone for chess?

Then we reach the magnificently painted door, unlike other bathroom doors that are covered in graffiti and people offering you a good time, this one is covered in nostalgic art and it only offers karmic realignment.. Well that may be pushing it, as that can only be distributed by the cosmos. However you feel cosmic when you gaze upon its beauty…

I mean, look at that bastard! He is riding some sort of horse that is riding a bike, what is that? I’ll tell you what it is, it is class.

Next we reach the entrance, honestly I thought it was going to be downhill from here but Pancake Parlour really deliver.

Excuse the shitty photo, I was too in awe of the decadence!

There is a fucking step to the toilets! A step! Throughout the ages of man and toilets nothing has come close to this level of pure decadence!

If you’re like me, you hate using urinals. Mainly, I don’t want to scare everyone with how enormous my cock is but also, I really cannot stand next another human urinating unless we are both consenting adults and the plastic sheet is down. What I spied next blew me away, never have I seen such thought put in to urinating…

Never again shall we see each others cocks when we piss!

You know the saying “Greatest invention since sliced bread”? Well throw that out the window! We are now officially changing that to “Greatest invention since the urinal divider”. Sliced bread can go fuck itself.

But wait, there is more…

The toilet was like sitting on gods throne. I imagined myself as ruler of all I saw, so mainly just the amazingly clean walls around me, creating laws and creatures with each ounce of liquid that i expelled.

You too can own these   shoes.

And last but *insert cliche saying here*, we come to the hand basin. This is the Cadillac of wash tubs, the Wayne Gretzky of sinks, the Tolkien of water based bathroom items. Us mere humans could never achieve this level of pure class if we took Seventy years of courses taught by The Queen herself. This is a tap and sink of Babylonian proportions.

By the rivers of Babylon!

These toilets really were a pleasure to use and I would gladly overeat myself to death here just to keep revisiting these bad boys.

I’m hoping to work here as the janitor just to clean them.

I am not joking.

My urine smell- 5,000 on the potent scale

Soap softness- 9 baby  chickens

How horrified you are at some of the language used in this review- 10 smacked faces

How intrigued you are to see my monster cock- Call me baby.