The Showerbath, September 19th, 2014

After 5 minutes of feeling like an extreme pervert, you start to question your life choices

 

Is this gross or erotic?
Is this gross or erotic?

 

We’ve most of us lived in or visited a house that provides you with one of the most horrid experiences known to man, I’m not talking about waving at someone you think you know, but you don’t. I’m not talking about remembering that funny story and laughing out loud at it in public.  I’m not even  talking about that uncle that suggests you “Hurry up and lose your virginity already”.

I’m talking about the “Showerbath”.

That’s right, the showerbath. It is gross. It is degrading and it is incomprehensible!

Maybe you’ve been working all day in the sewer, maybe you remove dead rats from a quarry? Maybe you live in Hallam?

Whatever you do, you need that sweet release of a shower. You come home covered in shit an grease and slip into a relaxing… showerbath…?

You slip off your clothes and step over the cold porcelain of the bathtub, almost slipping and snapping your neck. You unwillingly pull the other leg over, now you’ve realized you forgot to turn on the shower before climbing in. Great, now you’re essentially standing in the bathtub with your genitals touching the wall and they’re shrinking. There’s moss on the wall, sending you a gravely reminder of what your genitals will look like when you’re 88.

Turning on the water is always an awful anxiety ridden experience. Is it gonna be too cold, too hot, will thousands of tiny deadly snakes be shot from the shower head down my throat and into my stomach where they will lay their eggs and build a snake city? Will it be a Dictatorship or Democracy? Hell, could it be a Fascist Regime?

"My idol is Magellan, oh wait no... Mussolini".
“My idol is Magellan, oh wait no… Mussolini”.

Maybe, it depends on your diet.

You’re under, you’ve adjusted the water, you’re learning to deal with the moss in the corner and the potential of death at the slight misplacing of your feet..

Oh dear god, what is this? Am i having a bath or a shower? Should I put the plug in whilst bathing and then sit in my used dirty water for a while? What do I do?Where’s the soap? Ewwww, it’s one of those soaps made from other soaps, wait… I just moved in today! This isn’t even my soap! It feels like a strangers hands are washing my body, which in some cases would be majorly erotic, but they used this showerbath, so no it isn’t erotic in the slightest. This showerbath has the erotic qualities of The Room!

What’s this now? Oh, there’s a fucking Silverfish in here.

A Silverfish. Do they exclusively live in showerbaths? Fuck this, I am done.

The showerbath comes with the all time most disgusting bathing accessory, the shower curtain.

Even when bought brand spankin new they have the feel, look and smell of a little old lady named Ethel Harriet Rosemary Smith. You know her, she lives next door and bathes herself in cats and mushrooms.

After 5 minutes of feeling like an extreme pervert, you start to question your life choices

  • Should I have done better or worse in school?
  • Did I really need to buy the entire series of Dallas on DVD?
  • Who is my real father?

Is this how Bam Magera felt after shooting “Viva La Bam”? Think about it, he’s a millionaire who lives with his parents… That’s gotta make you feel dirty all the time.

“Not only did you say I smell, but you mentioned snakes too bro, now I’m gonna have to kick Phil’s ass all day”

If  a post bathing Magera-esque feeling isn’t enough there’s one more case to solidify this life experience as amongst the worst…

 

Fuck the showerbath! You’re gonna hear that music every single time you step into one now.

Shower curtains 0/1

Feeling like a pervert with no explainable reason 9000/9000

Bam Magera is actually pretty cool.

Overall experience “Fuck This Shit”.

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