Dinner, September 4th, 2014

There is a certain comfort in pie and mash…

As common as pie and mash are to you, there is always an excitement in seeing it all together on your plate.It’s like receiving a hug from a strangers Grandmother, familiar yet new and exciting with the right amount of exotic nan action to see you through the night.

I prepared the pie in my Baroness oven, which I later burnt myself on, cursing the day I discovered ovens and really wishing I could travel back in time and to 1834 and knock the shit out of James Sharp. The potatoes and peas were boringly boiled like an old man in a hot tub.

"Dayum son, I ain't never seen mashin like this before."
“Dayum son, I ain’t never seen mashin like this before.”

After 48 minutes of sticking my fingers in the pie like a good boy it was ready and the time came to do the Monster Mash. I grabbed my potato masher like Batman grabs Robin, passionate, powerful and fully erect. I drove it into the soft fleshy potato again and again and again. Boom, smash, huzzah! If there were an audience there would have been at least 18 immaculate conceptions from the power of my mashing skills alone, Jay-Z and Linkin Park got nothing on me!

I rolled the peas onto the plate faster than TV rolls out reality shows, slopped my mash on and lovingly placed my pie. Shit! Gravy, I forgot gravy… How the hell do you make gravy? What is gravy? Are there any horse socks?

"No body gets the horse sock reference, young whipersnapper!"
“No body gets the horse sock reference, young whippersnapper!”

 

I made the gravy, pretty baby. And oh lord was it magnificent! Unlike the recent Transformers film which was just awful. There was certainly one thing Micheal Bay and I could agree on with dinner though, the explosions! The explosions of flavour, the explosions of taste and finally the explosion it left in my soul. That may seem like a over statement, and perhaps it is, but this pie, mash and pea combo hit me right in the good spot. It was the Micheal Jordan of pastries, the Mohammad Ali of baked good, the Mel Brooks of pie shaped foods…? 

I cut into the pie with a casual finesse and style only seen during some prestigious ballet companies performance of Swan Lake. I was a captain of carving. If there was an award for best use of knife and fork during a home made meal I would have walked away the winner, with all other nominees getting my face tattooed on their hands to remind them of how shit they are at knifing and forking! The creamy vegetable filing came oozing out, covering the mash and peas in a healthy pool of zesty goodness.

 

Oprah weeps as I win award after award!
Oprah weeps as I win award after award!Time to try the peas.

Time to try the peas…

The peas sucked! What were they? Monster peas from the Candy Kingdom?

It was as if the sugar plum fairies had sprinkled unicorn tears and sweet dreams over them. I wanted some vitamins, not holes in my teeth and a sugar high. Thanks a lot Woolworths Select peas, next time I will be selecting to shove your peas in my arse one at a time. That way I can at least gain some pleasure from the experience and your peas can be instantly converted to the shit that they are!

Despite the ever enraging peas and the wake of disappointment they left behind, the pie and mash were a greater pair than Tango and Cash on ice. There is a pure enjoyment of hot potato mashed up and covered in gravy, swirling around in your mouth, swallowed and digested by your stomach acid. Knowing that it will one day make its journey to the other side of your immaculately sculpted body is a joy I want you to know. 

 

As exciting as the pie was it sadly did not turn into a UFO and stage an inter-plate war with the peas, the peas sucked.
As exciting as the pie was it sadly did not turn into a UFO and stage an inter-plate war with the peas, the peas sucked.

 

Woolworths Select Bullshit Sugar Peas 0/10

Oven Experience 3/10

Knowing who invented the oven before writing this review 10/10

Pie and Mash 9000/9000

 

 

 

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